Torah

The Sfas Emes writes (Likutei Yehudah, Parshas Toldos 7a) that when Hashem gave us the Torah as a gift He also provided us the derech to the Torah. Torah is a gift from Hashem and He directs us on the path to reach it. We all have a pathway that brings us to our cheilek in Torah; we only need to find it. We need to pray to Hashem to reveal that path for us.

We all owe unlimited hakaras hatov to Hashem for all that He does for us, from the moment we were conceived until now, for all His gifts and kindness. The Ohr HaChaim (Shemos 22:6) says there isn't a moment that Hashem isn't doing something for a person, both for his body and his needs. Don't we want to bring Him pleasure? And what better pleasure can we bring than learning Torah? Our greatest motivation for doing Hashem's mitzvos is our recognition of all that He does for us. When we reflect on the infinite kindness He bestows upon us, we feel a desire to do His will. The Chovos HaLevavos (Sha'ar Cheshbon HaNefesh, ch. 3) gives us different ideas to motivate ourselves in avodas Hashem. His first idea is reflecting on Hashem's abundance of kindness. These thoughts will surely be the greatest motivation to serving Hashem.

The Vilna Gaon (Even Sheleimah 1:2) writes that one of the principal purposes of life is to perfect our middos. We need to overcome all those bad traits we were created with.

Most people who have trouble waking up in the morning tell themselves, "Tomorrow will be different," but for some reason, the same cycle happens all over again. Some people have been repeating this mantra to themselves for the last who knows how many years, but regrettably, they are still waiting for change. Rav Chaim Friedlander, zt"l, says the only way you can expect a difference is if you do something different. Just deciding that tomorrow will be different will not do the job. We all want to improve and, in our minds, want to change, but the only way we will make a change is if we do something tangible about it.

Question: Doesn't Hashem see what we need? Doesn't He know what is good for us? He created us! Why do we need to pray? Answer: Hashem knows what we need, much better than we do. He is prepared to take care of us all on His own, without our asking. Tefillah is for us. We need to remind ourselves three times a day that Hashem, and only Hashem, holds the ticket to everything. When we approach Him with all our needs, we admit that He is the only One Who has a direct effect on us. Through tefillah, we build our emunah. Hashem knows that if He would just give us what we need without our asking, we would have a difficult time discovering Him. Now that we need Him, we are forced to recognize Him.

Tefillah is the weapon of the Jewish people. Whenever we are confronted with any type of challenge, our automatic reaction should be to pull out a Tehillim or siddur or to just turn to Hashem.

The Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh (Shemos 20:4) says this is how avodah zarah started. People felt they couldn't burden Hashem with all their trivial matters and thought Hashem sent emissaries to take care of all the small details in the world. Every challenge we are met with should be brought to our Father, our King, no matter what.

We build belief and trust in Hashem by involving Him in all aspects of our life. The more we pray, the greater our emunah becomes. So, when you are standing there in the morning, ask in detail for success in all the endeavors you plan that day (See Rabbeinu Yonah, Mishlei 3:6). Then sit back and let Hashem do the work.

The best approach to tefillah is the following: "Hashem, if this is the right thing, let it work out quickly; if not, give me the strength to endure the test that may follow." Or perhaps: "Hashem please let me find a good chavrusa, or a good wife," without specifying who. With this approach, we give Hashem the room to work, and at the same time give ourselves the flexibility to move beyond what we think we need. Remember: Hashem knows best.

The Steipler, zt"l, writes (Chayei Olam, ch. 28) that while some tefillos are answered right away, others take time. We don't know the rule of when, what, where, and why, but one thing we know is that each tefillah has an effect at some time. So, hold on. The more we persevere in our prayers, the better chance we have to be answered.

One reason we may not see results right away is because Hashem may test us to see if we believe He is the ultimate power. If He answers us right away it wouldn't be a test; it wouldn't show our faith in Him. If we were answered immediately, we would turn to Him again because of success but not from belief. But if we still persevere after calling many times without being answered, it shows that we believe. If it were a human being we sought for help, after a while, we would give up, thinking to ourselves, "There is nothing he can do." However, when we stick it out with Hashem despite all the disappointments, we show unequivocally that He is the "Boss."

Sometimes we hit a brick wall. We pray and pray and still receive no answer. We try this segulah and that segulah, and still no reply. We feel like giving up. The feeling is understandable, and it is very hard to break out of such a rut. However, let's remember that there are things that need constant chizuk, and one of them is tefillah (Berachos 32b). We need to step back and remember that Hashem loves us more than we love ourselves and wants the best for us. Many will see the salvation in the end, but we might have to wait. We will see the good; we just need to be patient. Often when we see no opportunity for success, or if things perhaps look bleak, with tefillah we open avenues that didn't exist previously. The playing field can change altogether when we pray.

We have to realize initially that everything is out of our hands and only in the hands of Hashem. The sooner we realize this, the sooner He will enter the picture. As long as we think we can still do something about the situation, Hashem remains on the sidelines. This is one of the greatest steps forward in tefillah: when we realize right away that Hashem is the only One Who can affect us both positively and negatively in this world. We all experience stresses in life. Stress only comes when we feel that we can do something about a given situation. If something is out of our hands, our stress will disappear, since we can't do anything about it anyway. The earlier we realize that nothing is in our hands, rather, everything is only in Hashem's hands, the quicker we will live a stress-free life.

We must turn back after our success and remember that Hashem was the One Who helped us along the way and opened up the doors to our success. "Hashem how much more would I thank You if I could hear from both ears." Thanking Hashem is the most powerful thing we can do. If we continue to emphasize our blessings and think about all the good we receive, we will be genuinely happy. The best way to create a relationship with someone is to realize the good they give us.

The Gemara in Bava Basra (10b) says, "Fortunate is the one who comes to Heaven with his Torah in his hands." The Maharsha explains that this is referring to his chiddushim.

We all are familiar with the mishnah in Pirkei Avos (1:6), "Knei lecha chaveir — Buy yourself a friend." The sefer Ohr HaYashar has a famous, unique explanation of this mishnah. He says knei means a quill. The mishnah is telling us: The quill - your pen — is your friend. Your pen will be there when your chavrusa is not there, and it will be there to lift you up when you need to get back into your learning. He adds that it is also a tremendous tool to help us remember our learning. It's a good friend who won't let you down. So don't give it up.

Changing our middos is impossible without mussar.

No pep talk will win a game; it will only motivate us. To change, we need real mussar. We need to absorb the mussar; we need to allow it to penetrate our hearts. As we are learning, we need to think of the words we are reading and contemplate how it relates to us in our daily life, or how it can relate to us in the future. This mussar will slowly penetrate us and transform us; it will shape our hearts. No doubt we will feel the words working on us.

Rav Yerucham Levovitz (Da'as Torah, Bamidbar, p. 84) says the key to winning over the yetzer hara is to understand ourselves, to be in touch with our feelings. Most of all we need to be honest with ourselves and admit what desires and feelings are inside of us — this way we can work on them. How can we expect to change ourselves if we aren't sure what it is that needs change? This process is done through mussar. When we learn mussar properly we are in touch with ourselves. We start to understand what makes us tick and where our shortcomings are. Knowing who we are is the key to bettering ourselves.

Rav Shalom Schwadron, zt"l, would say over from his Rebbi Rav Elya Lopian, zt"l, that inadequate sleep will creep up on us in our old age. Even if we do not feel it now, we will feel it later in life. And the opposite is true too. There are people who saturated themselves with proper sleep when they were young and later in life could suffice with less. We are still young and don't contemplate the long-term effects of sleep deprivation; however, we will appreciate good sleeping habits in the long run. There are two recipes for success. One, to be well-rested. Second, to be well-prepared for everything you plan on doing that day.

You need to establish how much sleep you need. There isn't any set amount of time, but a general guideline would probably be between six hours and twenty minutes and seven-and-a-half hours. You need some trial and error to determine the right amount. However, a one-night trial will mean nothing. Your trial has to be at least a week long. Start at seven hours. Try it for a week. If you feel strong, be thrilled that you can be alert all day and not just drag your feet around throughout the day. If it's not enough, then increase by ten minutes the next week. Try that; those numbers should work.

Every once in a while, we will come short of the minimum sleep we need. It might be due to a wedding the night before, or perhaps we just lost track of time. On those days we need to remember what the Ben Ish Chai says (Parashas Vayishlach 1): "Have trust in Hashem that that amount of time will suffice for just this one day." The wrong thing to do would be to make up for it in the morning and sleep later.

Great Question → Imagine we would take a seven-hour break from learning during the day. Wouldn't that throw us off tremendously? Wouldn't that just burn us out? Why isn't sleep the same? We should wake up totally out of it, not in the mood to learn. Yet sometimes we find the opposite — we wake up feeling more vigorous than we had felt before we went to sleep. Sleep works very interestingly. It is almost like a frozen state. The mode we go to sleep in is the way we wake up. If we are in a good state spiritually, then we wake up that way too. If, however, we go to sleep on the wrong foot, that's the same way we'll wake up. It is very important that we fall asleep while learning or being involved in something spiritual. This is one reason Chazal enacted the obligation to say Krias Shema before we sleep — to ensure we fall asleep on a positive spiritual note. Try hard to let that be your final thought for the day.

We can compare Torah to dry wine. No one I know is born with an appreciation for dry wine. Many of us can't even stand the taste. Then there are those who pay thousands of dollars for one bottle of wine. How can there be such a difference in types of people? The answer is, wine is a taste that needs to be cultivated. It takes time to bring out the taste buds in the mouth to properly appreciate it. If you invest the time it will pay off, if you do not you will forever dislike it. How do we develop that appreciation for wine? The answer is, the more we drink the more acute our taste buds become.

Great Question: "I know the sweetness of Torah, I've felt it in the past. But occasionally I don't feel the enthusiasm, and it feels routine to me. How do I get out of this rut?" The Sefer HaYashar by Rabbeinu Tam (Shaar 6) explains that this pattern of ups and downs is the normal procedure of life. Everything good settles down after a while. The way for us to restart these engines is to add a new element to our avodah. If we weren't writing notes till now, start. Or perhaps start a new seder during the day, a new mussar sefer or Mishnayos. A small seder, nothing radical, even something small can do the job. This small change can give us a new chashivus to what we are doing and can improve the situation entirely. This will rekindle the passion we previously had. Believe it or not, something so small can make such a big difference.

By learning what you enjoy it will give you energy for the rest of the day. It makes you feel good and accomplished. Rav Gershon Edelstein, shlita, firmly believes one shouldn't underestimate the power of "mah she libo chafeitz" learning what you enjoy. Spending your free time doing something you have a passion for can inspire you an entire day.

The Or HaChaim tells us (Shemos 33:11) that the more we work on building our desire in learning, the more Hashem loves us!

We can't appreciate Shabbos till we toil throughout the week. When we work hard an entire week and use our kochos to the max, then we can tap into the sweetness of Shabbos. We need to fulfill both halves of the pasuk (Shemos 34:21): "Sheishes yamim taavod uva'yom hashvi'i tishbos — For six days you shall work and on the seventh day you shall rest." Only when we work and toil throughout the week will we genuinely appreciate the peace of Shabbos. The only way we can understand the concept of true menuchah is when we have the other dimension, of toiling. Without toiling, the entire week — including Shabbos — will feel the same.

Without going into specifics, the Chafetz Chaim, zt"l, would say all the berachos lie in tosefes Shabbos. It's a segulah for health, wealth, and all success. The rationale of this is if we accept Shabbos early it indicates that it isn't a burden to us, where we must stop our work. Rather we are anticipating it, looking forward, and can barely wait. However, if we do not begin our preparations early enough, especially in the winter, it will be very hard to get them done.

The Yerushalmi (Shabbos 15:3) says the purpose of Shabbos and yom tov is to take advantage of the extra time for Torah learning. Even though the Mishnah Berurah (290:7) seems to say that a ben Torah can rest more on Shabbos than he does during the week, we shouldn't just sleep it away.

We know that enjoyment of Torah comes after the initial toil, like it says, "Kol haschalos kashos" (Rashi, Shemos 19:5). If so, why do we constantly feel the toil and not the enjoyment? The answer is that every day is like a new start. We will only experience pleasure when we remain consistent in our learning and build continuity from day to day. If we don't learn properly on Shabbos, our Sunday and Monday will be a new beginning, and every new beginning has its difficulties. However, if we keep the momentum over Shabbos, then Sunday will just flow along.

Rav Yerucham, zt'l, said if you wish to gain yiras Shamayim, learn Chumash-Rashi. It's also said in his name that if you want to study psychology learn Chumash-Rashi.

Shabbos is a perfect time to set aside time to go over what we did that week. The gemara in Nedarim (36b) says Shabbos is for review, not to go further in our learning.

Shabbos is a perfect time to set aside time to go over what we did that week. The gemara in Nedarim (36b) says Shabbos is for review, not to go further in our learning.

Rashi writes multiple times that a person must view every day as if he received the Torah that day. What does that mean? How is it possible for us to imagine we just received the Torah today if we know we received it over three thousand years ago? The Chovos HaLevavos (Shaar Cheshbon HaNefesh, ch. 3) tells us an important concept in all our learning. For many of us, our understanding of Chumash remains on an elementary-school level. We all remember the stories of the Torah and its laws from when we were kids. However, unfortunately many of us remain with that understanding our entire lives. As our minds develop we are obligated to relearn the material as if we have never learned it before. This does not only apply to Chumash; it applies to any learning we have done in the past. We can never rely on our previous understanding but must relearn it constantly as if we never learned it before. This is the meaning of imagining we have received the Torah today. We must always imagine this is the first time we are learning this parashah.

Believe it or not, a big cause of burnout is a lack of sleep. At the end of Parashas Ki Seitzei, when discussing Amalek, the pasuk says (Devarim 25:18), "Vatah ayeif u yageia lo yarei Elokim — And you were tired and worn out and didn't fear Hashem." Rashi explains that "you didn't fear Hashem" is referring to Amalek. However, the Ohr HaChaim explains it is referring to Bnei Yisrael. We see a very important concept here: the mere fact that Bnei Yisrael were tired and worn out caused them to lack fear of Hashem. We need physical strength to fear Hashem and to overcome our yetzer hara. If we are worn out and tired, it's virtually impossible to push ourselves to do the right thing. Learning and praying requires a lot of physical strength, and if we don't have it, we can't move forward. You can't expect to be on top of your game without the proper rest.

Sin drags us down and depletes our desire to do good. We must remember the following concept passed down from Rav Yisrael Salanter, zt"l (Sichos im HaRav Shlomo Hoffman): The sin isn't the problem, it's how we are affected by it. If we react to sin negatively, feeling low, then the sin is serious. However, if we react to it in a positive manner, then we actually have gained. We are human and have desires and will fall from time to time. Unfortunately, it is inevitable. We must react in the following way: understand that we have a human nature and will be challenged, but remember that it's our job to eradicate those traits. Yes, we may lose the battle from time to time, but in the end, we must win the war, the war of sheviras hamiddos. We must get back up and renew our energy to battle with the yetzer hara.

When we are down, we are prone to sin. We feel we have nothing to lose since anyway we view ourselves as failures. And when we sin, we go into a cycle: we sin more and become more downhearted.

There will be times when we feel down and cannot pinpoint the problem. If you're in such a situation, you need to have a conversation with yourself. Walk around the corner and think, think hard: what is it that's bugging me? Usually, you will come to some sort of conclusion. But you must be honest with yourself; you need to admit that that particular point is what's bothering you — as uncomfortable as it may be. If you dig, you will find results.

You are the only one who can determine your real worth because you are the only one who really knows what you do and who you are. You are your own biggest fan; you need to root for yourself.

We need to constantly remember that Hashem is keeping track and taking account of what we are doing. He is always watching us and is proud of us. We need to forge ahead and stop looking for those approvals. As much as we may enjoy and need them, we can't rely on them. If we are reliant on them, when they don't come we feel deflated, as if everything we have done was for naught. But just remember — Hashem is watching!

A small word here and there does marvels. The more specific you are in your compliment the more potent it will be.

The Rosh says (Orchos Chaim LaRosh 113), "Jealousy is a sickness that has no cure!" The way to calm jealousy is to know there is room for more than one at the top. If we think only one person can be at the top at a time, then we may feel that our friend's success is taking away from our success. But if we believe there is room for more than one, then we understand that his success doesn't minimize ours. Everyone can be great, but no one needs to be the greatest.

No matter how much sweetness is included in criticism, it still stings. Even if the one giving it is so soft and encouraging, it still hurts to hear our faults.

When we stop to reflect on what we have, a sense of contentment takes us over. It makes us remember that we have so much, and we forget about what we need. There is a calmness we can feel in our hearts. Stop a moment. Jot down the positives and what you possess, and you will be satisfied.

The Gemara (Sotah 9b) says Korach and Haman desired what didn't belong to them and then lost even what they had. Haman said, "All I have is meaningless as long as I see Mordechai standing on the side and not bowing." He focused on what he didn't have but not on what he did. Wealth and poverty are not determined by what you have, but rather by what you feel is lacking! Even if you have a little but feel as if you are lacking nothing, you are wealthy. And so too vice versa.

The Sefer HaChinuch says many times (mitzvos 16, 99) that a person's thoughts follow his actions. If he acts like a pauper, he will feel like a pauper; if he acts in a respectable way, he will feel important. The same can be said about the way we think. If we think about ourselves in a positive light, we will feel good about ourselves. If, however, we have a negative perception of ourselves we will feel inferior. When we talk about ourselves in a negative way, there is nothing more damaging. When we talk about ourselves, everyone listens and believes. Who is a better critic of oneself than the person himself? Would anyone not believe what I say about myself? Who knows me better than I know myself? In fact, the Chafetz Chaim says (Shemiras HaLashon 7:6) that even though we cannot believe lashon hara about others, when one speaks of himself we may believe him.

Rav Leib Chasman, zt"l, in his sefer Ohr Yahel (vol. 2, Parashas Shemini), teaches us a great lesson, one of the most valuable lessons we will receive in our lives. Knowing who you are, and knowing your worth is not a contradiction to being humble.

Rav Aharon Kotler, zt"l (Mishnas Rav Aharon, vol. 1, p. 159), says — when we know who we are it empowers us to do more. We must recognize who we actually are and what our talents are. We need to always have them in mind.

GREAT QUESTION: "But didn't we really create our success? Didn't our diligence make us smarter? Didn't our work ethic bring us success? Look at the other guy who wasn't diligent — nothing became of him." We need to look differently at the person who was diligent and still wasn't successful. The other guy who put in more hours than you and still didn't see the same results. You think your practice in the gym made you a great basketball player? How many boys spend hours in the gym and are still struggling? We must realize that the fact that our diligence paid off is only because Hashem wanted it that way. If Hashem hadn't been behind this, then who says we would have had the same outcome?

The first step to success is knowing who you are and what your talents are. Rav Wolbe, zt"l, quotes Rav Yerucham, zt"l (Alei Shur, vol. 1, p. 169), who would say about those who don't recognize their faults, "Oy"; but about those who don't recognize their talents, he'd say, "Oy vavoy."

You must recognize that every person is gifted with certain talents, and he must bring out those talents in any which way possible. We all have faults. Our job in life is to repair those faults and correct ourselves. But at the same time, we were all given traits and talents that will help us through the journey.

How can two people compare themselves and their situation? The Gemara (Berachos 58a) says just like no two people have the same features, no two people have the same traits. His talents are not mine. If he has success in a certain area, perhaps Hashem made that easier for him. His tests are in a totally different area. We must focus on ourselves and what we can do. Seeing someone else do something will never benefit us.

Yehoshua bin Nun was compared to a fig tree (Midrash Rabbah, Naso 12). All fruit trees yield their fruits at a given time. However, figs ripen on the tree one fruit at a time. There can be one fruit totally ripened while another didn't even grow yet. Yehoshua bin Nun's success wasn't in one day or in one shot. He built from day to day, one step at a time. You too will turn around one day and see the progress.

The Steipler, zt"l, would say somebody who wants to see himself grow is like the person who looks in a mirror daily to see if he got taller. The daily growth is so minute, he will never see it. However, if he waits a few months or even years and then looks for growth, it will be visible. In this case as well, if you are always checking if you've been successful, you will not see it day to day. But if you wait some time, and then look back at what you've accomplished, you will see the fruits of your labor.

If you are old enough and in the position to give, be that role model. Don't underestimate the effect it will have on you. It will bring out kochos you never knew you had. Plus, it will give you a boost in confidence knowing there are boys who look up to you. Live up to that position!

Another way of realizing you have a good friend is when he is sensitive to you and your feelings. If he seems to take your feelings into account, grab him with two hands.

"Stick around the people who know your worth."

That's our avodah in bein adam lechaveiro, to be tolerant of others, but not to expect others to be tolerant of us! (Chazon Ish, Emunah U'Bitachon 1:11).

Chazal tell us, "Ein simchah k'hataras hasefeikos" - when we make a choice and get out of our doubts we feel great. The worst state is the state of safeik - we don't know what to do with ourselves.

The sefer Binyan Olam (ch. 1) gives a rule: when you sit and learn, never regret it. Even if it possibly would have been better to go, never regret learning.

Rav Yerucham, zt"l, says (Daas Torah, Parashas Vayakhel-Pekudei), "I never saw a millionaire who didn't take a gamble. Do you think that all those who became wealthy made black-and-white decisions? Absolutely not! And more than that they probably failed many times and lost money, but the reason they are where they are is because they were willing to take a chance. All great things come with a bit of risk. Be willing to stick your neck out a little to be successful. The same applies to spirituality. If you want to grow, you need to gamble a bit. Usually, if you see a little light at the end of the tunnel, it's worth the chance. However, if it barely makes sense, then it's a poor decision. Take a calculated risk, not a reckless risk. The mishnah says in Pirkei Avos (5:20): "Be stubborn like a leopard." Rashi explains in Maseches Pesachim (112a): for mitzvos you need to go beyond your capabilities. That's our job, to go out of the box.

The most fundamental advice — which should be self-understood — regarding all types of questions is: DAVEN!!! Pray to Hashem for guidance. Pray for clarity. Keep this in mind during Maariv when you say "u'sakneinu b'eitzah tovah milfanecha," or during Shemoneh Esrei in the berachah of Chonein HaDaas. Often with a little wisdom from Hashem we can see the right route.

GREAT QUESTION: What do you do when you make the wrong decision and now you have to pay the price? Many times, we feel we have decided wrong. Not always are we able to go back and fix our mistakes. Regret can be the worst torture a human being can undergo. The thought that if only we would have done things differently hurts so much. Often, regret holds us back from having true trust in Hashem. When the situation is out of our hands, we tend to rely on Hashem. But when we face a situation where we feel it's in our hands and we mess up, it drives us nuts. This is where our emunah and bitachon must kick in. We must believe that no matter what, Hashem is guiding us. Every choice has a decision and a result. Even though we have the power of choice and can decide something, the outcome is not in our hands. Those outcomes are up to Hashem. If He wills the outcome then our action will produce the result, if not, our choice will not result in anything. If Hashem didn't want the outcome to come out this way, it would not have happened. We are responsible for the decision we made — that is our free choice — but the outcome would have been the same anyway. When we think this way, we can feel a sense of security that this is Hashem's will.

We should not forget a very important gift we have from Hashem — teshuvah. As far as we have strayed or as many bad decisions as we have made, we can always repair the damage. In the present world, regret and remorse will never erase results. In court, at best they will lessen the punishment, but they will never erase it totally. Teshuvah, however, can actually erase our intention at the time of the action. When we have regret and wish we never did what we did, Hashem considers it as if we performed an action without full awareness, as if we were sleeping through the act — it's a result that we did not cause. No need for regret or to lose sleep over it. It's what Hashem wanted. Grab the power of teshuvah, it's such a wonderful gift that only lasts while we are in this world.

Don't do something and then ask the rebbi to clean up the mess. Ask first and get guidance to avoid creating issues. If only we would ask before and stay on the right track, then we wouldn't need any repairs afterward.

We generally assume laziness is the cause for unproductiveness. But it's really the opposite, it's not a cause but a result. We become lazy when we do not have a goal or a specific task to do. When we have nothing to accomplish, we have nothing to get moving for. That's when laziness prevails. However, when we have a goal or task, we are driven to accomplish it. When we have a plan, we are excited to start on our journey. There will be times when we are exhausted or worn out and we don't accomplish much, but usually, laziness is due to a lack of goals and motivation.

Our responsibility is to talk to ourselves, to convince ourselves that it's all deception, as if to wake ourselves up from the hypnotism. We need to take control of our minds and stop the delusion. We can do it! We should know desires and urges are only temporary. It's comparable to hunger pains. On a fast day we all experience some strong type of hunger pains for a short while, but then it passes. Afterward, we may still be hungry, but those strong pains pass. Our desires are the same. We face moments of desires and cravings, but they pass. If we let the moment pass and don't act on it, it will shrink. If we run after the desire, we actually keep it active; just as our appetite would increase if we ran after food during our hunger pains (Sukkah 52b).

GREAT QUESTION: We all believe in the existence of Olam HaBa, and the concept of reward and punishment. We need to ask a simple question: why is it that we still succumb to our yetzer hara and don't take the future into account? This is the struggle in many areas of our life. We trade the future for the present. Even though we believe in a World to Come, it's too far away for us to have it in mind when we are tested. In front of us, we see immediate benefit; it's hard for us to trade that for something way down the road. But this is the essence of a tzaddik, as the Gemara says (Tamid 32a), "Eizehu chacham? Haroeh es hanolad - Who is wise? One who looks to the future." The essence of a great person is someone who always takes the future into account. He will give up the now for the future.

In the world of business and retirement it's the same thing: Are we prepared to give up today for a better future? Are we willing to put away some money now for the future? It may be a sacrifice today, but we will reap the benefits later in life. It's the same regarding spirituality: Are we willing to sacrifice today for a better tomorrow? Some of us can't. We see the future and understand the need to invest in it, but we just can't give up the "now." Why worry about the future when you can enjoy today? We need to remember that Hashem does not overlook our sins. As much as He is a Rachman, full of mercy, we don't get write-offs. He won't overlook anything; don't rely on that!

The Rambam (Hilchos Issurei Biah 22:21) says only a person empty of wisdom desires immorality. If our mind is full of wisdom, it's a shield from the outside world. It's a seesaw effect.

Sefer HaYashar L'Rabbeinu Tam (Shaar 6) gives us advice on how to battle anger and other tests that confront us. We must prepare ourselves prior to the situation. When we mentally prepare ourselves for a situation, we are prepared for disappointment. For example, if we know that we have gotten upset when we've come home starving and dinner isn't ready, then before we walk in the door, let's stop and think, "Perhaps dinner will not be ready, and if dinner isn't ready, it's okay, we will have a snack." We will not get upset because we have prepared ourselves with Plan B. Prepare yourself and you will see the change.

A great rule in all relationships — and especially marriage — is: don't expect just accept!

When we face a challenge, it can anger us. We can feel feelings of resentment. We tend to ask: why did this happen? Why do I have to deal with this now? The truth is, we ask every morning not to be brought to tests, lo lidei nisayon. But once we are placed in these circumstances, we need to deal with them. How? These challenges are also based on the fact that deep down inside we have expectations. We expect certain things to be in their place, and in our mind we assume they are there, but when lo and behold they are not, we aren't ready for it. We are taken by surprise. We need to be prepared.

We must realize that anger is part of our nature. If we don't work on ourselves, anger will be an automatic reaction to any circumstance. We will say things and overreact, even if we can't stand ourselves for it later. The only way to take control is to reprogram ourselves and uproot those bad traits.

Rav Yisrael Salanter, zt"l, says changing our traits without mussar is like seeing without an eye — it's impossible. The younger you start the process, the better quality of life you will experience. It's up to us to make the change.

The Gemara says (Sotah 8a) that the yetzer hara can only entice us based on what our eyes see. But if we merely work on this issue, then we wouldn't be getting to the bottom of the problem. It's like placing a Band-Aid on a wound when we need to heal it. It will only give us temporary control, but it will not permanently fix the issue. The pasuk says (Bamidbar 15:39), "V'lo sasuru acharei levauchem vacharei eineichem — Do not go after your heart (desires) and eyes." Shouldn't the pasuk say it the other way around? Shouldn't the pasuk say first don't go after your eyes, then don't go after your heart? If it's true that desires start from the eyes, then the pasuk is out of order. From here we see it actually starts the other way around. Our desires cause our eyes to look. Let me explain with an example. Two friends walk into a wedding; one notices the food and one doesn't. Why? Simple, one has a burning desire for food and his eyes subconsciously scan the room for food, while the other isn't that crazy about food and thus it doesn't catch his attention. Our desires are what cause us to look. Our desires make us aware of our surroundings. The Orchos Tzaddikim (Sha'ar Ahavah) says, "Due to our desire of women, we stare at them constantly." Our desires are really what cause us to look. If you go after your heart and desire them, then you will go after your eyes. The desires that reside in our heart cause us to look with our eyes.

The Sefer HaChinuch says (mitzvah 387) if we control ourselves just once we already suppress our desires. It only takes one battle to change the tide of the war. Mitzvah goreres mitzvah — one mitzvah leads to another. When we give ourselves spiritual energy, we continue to go up. We think the road to victory is longer and further than it really is. When we are in control of our desires, we won't want to look. We won't walk the street looking for what we shouldn't because it's not on our mind. Once we start the ball rolling, it will continue to roll.

A very important ingredient is to do what we can to protect ourselves from being provoked. We need to clean our environment as much as we can. Being surrounded by images or anything that can reawaken our desires will only increase the risk of falling again. Be careful what you hear, be careful what you read and see. Be careful where you walk. All these things can drag us back in the ring.

The Rambam (Hilchos Issurei Biah 22:21) says it's impossible for a person to have two thoughts at once. If you change the channel, those bad thoughts fall away. Rav Yisrael Salanter, zt"l, in a letter (Tzohar, Kovetz Ohel Baruch, p. 827) writes that one thing we shouldn't do is to say to ourselves: "Don't think these thoughts." Human nature is the more emphasis we place on something, the more we concentrate on it. When I say not to think of something it does the opposite. You are putting too much emphasis on it (See Keser Rosh, Vilna Gaon). I tell you not to think of red, what color are you thinking of? Red. The only way to not think of red is to think of blue.

The Gemara (Yoma 29a) says thoughts of an aveirah are worse than the aveirah itself. Rashi explains the logic behind this. One who fantasizes about an aveirah suffers much more than one who performs an aveirah. One who fantasizes never satisfies himself; it's all fantasy and remains that way. This is the danger of improper thoughts. We will suffer from the unrealistic thoughts, plus we will just arouse our desires without ever really fulfilling them. This is suffering, literally!

There is no bigger vacuum for sin than batalah, free time. The Mishnah says (Kesubos 59b) that idleness brings a person to sin.

GREAT QUESTION: "Why is it so important to look like a yeshivah guy? I am learning just as much as many of them, I am doing just as many mitzvos as they do, I need to look like them too? Who cares what other people think?" The Sefer HaChinuch, in the mitzvah of bigdei kohen gadol (mitzvah 99), teaches us a very important concept. A person goes after his dress. Meaning, the way we dress is the way we perceive ourselves. More important than how others look at me is how I look at myself. When I wear those clothing, I can't just go wherever I want, I can't just be seen wherever I want, and I must live by different standards. I need to live by the standards of what people expect from bnei Torah. It's a protection for me to make sure I keep the standards I need to keep. Sometimes we need the push. Often, it's hard to keep a certain standard of practice, but when we know people are looking at us in a certain light, it can help push us to be that way. The Mesillas Yesharim says (ch. 7), "Hachitzoniyus me'oreres es hapenimiyus — The outer arouses the inner."

Tests are avodas Hashem like any other avodah. When we realize that this is what Hashem wants, we are not as emotionally involved and can deal with them as an avodah and not just as a personal issue. It's like traffic. No one in their right mind will go head-on and fight traffic; rather, they navigate around it. We also need to work with the tests rather than trying to remove them. When we come to that realization half the battle is won. Tests are not bedieved, they are l'chatchilah!

Chazal teach us that the purpose of the challenges and tests is so Hashem can hear our prayers. The Imahos were barren because Hashem wanted to hear their prayers. When everything goes smoothly, we are complacent and forget about the Ribbono shel Olam. But when things go wrong, we all know how to turn to Hashem. Through our challenges, we connect to Hashem. There is no greater way of connecting to Hashem than tests. When we connect to Hashem through our tests, we are really utilizing our tests to the utmost. Tests must bring us closer to Hashem. If not, we have failed the test.

One thing to consider is what the gedolei hamussar say: You choose when and where that pain should occur. You can allocate all that suffering into Torah and mitzvos. If one toils in Torah he can fulfill his quota that way. If he pushes himself against his nature to learn when it's difficult, you can't imagine what he has just saved himself from. If he toils to perform mitzvos, he takes away from his suffering in other ways. It's up to us to choose our destiny. It's like having your cake and eating it too. Not only is he choosing his suffering, he is also being rewarded for it, as it says (Pirkei Avos 5:22), "Lefum tzaara agra — According to the pain [effort] is the reward."

This world is for work, the next world is for rest. When Yaakov Avinu asked Hashem to be able to spend the rest of his life in peace, immediately Hashem sent him the test of Yosef. Why? Rashi explains (Bereshis 37:2), Hashem told Yaakov Avinu, "It's enough that the righteous have the next world to rest, they want this world too?" You choose one world, this one or the next. Unfortunately, many of us are not equipped to deal with the tests of life. As we get older and encounter more tests we get frustrated and feel down. The problem is we have the wrong perspective in life. We feel that every test is a burden. However, if we realized that tests are our purpose in life and the way we are able to step up, we would embrace them more and be prepared for them. They aren't slowing us down from achieving our goals, they are actually bringing us closer to them.

The definition of addiction is when we revert to something out of habit and not out of necessity.

Being bored is a berachah in many ways; it can be very healthy. Boredom in the olden days brought many people to discover their talents. They would read, paint, etc. Unfortunately, we have trained ourselves that we need to connect to the outside world when we are bored. We need to run from this place to that place.

Train yourself to pull out a sefer or an enjoyable book when you are bored. The Gemara (Nedarim 81a) tells us to be conscious of poor people's children because they will develop into talmidei chachamim. The mefarshim explain that this happens because they have nothing to entertain themselves with besides Torah. Boredom can be a berachah — learn how to channel it.

The sefer Divrei Emes (ch. 2) says the most dangerous thing is boredom, because it only breeds trouble. When we don't occupy ourselves with something fulfilling, then we will look for anything to keep us busy, which may include inappropriate activities. Boredom is something we cannot run away from. Have a plan for boredom.

Every day we wake up and encounter these choices. (Brachos 61b – וְאָמַר רָבָא: לָא אִיבְּרִי עָלְמָא אֶלָּא לְרַשִּׁיעֵי גְּמוּרֵי אוֹ לְצַדִּיקֵי גְּמוּרֵי. אָמַר רָבָא: לִידַּע אִינָשׁ בְּנַפְשֵׁיהּ אִם צַדִּיק גָּמוּר הוּא אִם לָאו – Check out page 228 in this sefer). In every choice we make there exists a deeper choice — which world are we choosing? When we give up some benefit, we are choosing the next world, but when we give in to the immediate benefits and don't look to invest in our future, we are choosing this world. This is the root of a tzaddik: to give up now in order to benefit later.

The Mishnah says (Pirkei Avos 4:17) that one sniff of Olam HaBa is greater than all the pleasures of this world. Our soul seeks that ultimate pleasure and until it reaches it — or some part of it — it will never be satisfied. However, the opportunities of this world outweigh the opportunities of the next world, like the same mishnah says: a moment of mitzvos and teshuvah in this world is greater than any opportunity in the next world. Let's grab it.

We may never judge our parents; even the slightest amount of judgment is forbidden. They are our parents, and we must, in every sense of the word, look to find their good traits. The Chayei Adam (67:3) says a tremendous chiddush in the obligation of kibbud av veeim. He says the main obligation is to honor our parents in our mind — to view them in our mind with immense respect. When we think that way, we will come to properly respect them. It's our obligation to change our outlook. Judge no one till you are in their position. Perhaps your father had an exhausting day at work. Perhaps the test of parnassah and providing for his family is stretching his nerves. Even more so, perhaps when we will be parents we will not be any different from our own parents. Tzaar gidul banim is one of the hardest tests we encounter in life and it puts our parents in very stressful situations, sometimes beyond reason. So as much as it seems our parents are "off the handle," it is far from that.

From when we are infants, our entire life is being orchestrated to enable us to make choices to put our destined shidduch together. Who we marry isn't a sudden decision; we are being prepared for this our entire life.

If asked to choose a car you will drive for the rest of your life, how long would it take you to make that decision? Remember it's more than the look of the car; you also have to make sure it has a good long-term life to it. Besides that, how will it handle the wear and tear over the years? It surely will not be a split-second decision. How then, does it make sense to decide to marry a girl only after a month of dating? Is it possible to decide in such a short time? In truth, we are judging it all wrong. A car deteriorates over time, marriage gets better. We are not expected to decide based on what we know now. How can we? We can never judge what will be in ten years. All Hashem wants from us is to see if this shidduch has potential. Can this match work? Can we get along with one another? Do we have compatibility? We need not think past tomorrow. Marriage will have its ups and downs. If we are prepared to work on ourselves, we can make almost any marriage work. If we are not, then even the best match will fail.